


Coping With The Pain

by psychicdreamsandangelwings



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Coping, Daryl Has Issues, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Rick just wants to help, Season 5 Spoilers, VERY brief mention of self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 01:39:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3433244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychicdreamsandangelwings/pseuds/psychicdreamsandangelwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daryl's spiraling and Rick just wants him to deal with his pain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coping With The Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for season 5 (this is really just a rewrite of 5x10 Them with a slight twist on the ending)
> 
> There's a very brief mention of self-harm, if that could be triggering for you please refrain from reading this.

“It’s been three weeks Daryl and you've hardly talked,” Rick says, choosing his words carefully. They’re walking together, slightly ahead of the rest of the group. Rick can’t seem to figure out if the group walking behind them is a coincidence or not, either way he’ll take whatever alone time the two of them can get at a time like this. Even if it’s only semi-alone time, he can get.

“I know you lost something back there, something that I can’t even begin to understand, but you have to take care of yourself. You have to deal with what’s happened.” Rick keeps his voice low so that no one else can hear him, that’ll just make everything ten times worse.

Things between the two of them have been strained since the incident in Atlanta, since they lost Beth, and it’s driving Rick crazy. He’s already struggling to stay afloat, he doesn't know what he’s going to do if Daryl keeps continuing to pull away from him. Their relationship isn't over, at least Rick seriously hopes it isn't, it’s just been put on a hopefully temporary pause. Rick knows Daryl is hurting, knows that he’s keeping everything bottled up and buried deep inside of him, because that’s how he handles things. Only problem is that one of these days it’s going to get him killed, and Rick can’t stand the thought of losing Daryl.

Daryl does the only thing Daryl knows how to do when things get too close to what he doesn't want to talk about, he changes the subject. “She’s hungry,” he says, glancing down at Judith when she makes a soft noise. Judith’s dozing in his arms, opening her eyes every once in a while before closing them again.

Rick sighs and shifts Judith into a slightly more comfortable position. He knows he’s worried about her, worried about all of them, but bringing up Judith is a subject changer more than anything else. “She’s okay,” Rick says, not bringing up the subject again. Not even Rick can get him to talk when Daryl’s got his iron walls up, any effort put forth would just be fruitless.

“We still need to find water, food,” Daryl says, continuing the change of topic and Rick knows then that it’s the official end of talking about Daryl.

Rick knows he’s right, they were in desperate need of supplies, and he’s honestly starting to think they were never going to catch a break. But as leader he has to keep up the optimism. “It’ll rain soon enough. Just give it time, we’ll catch a break sooner or later.”

Daryl’s quiet for a few seconds before he talks again. He slips off Rick’s gun he’s got slung over his shoulder and hands it to him. “I’m gonna head out, look for supplies.”

Rick takes the gun without complaint, knowing there’s no way he’s gonna be able to stop him. Daryl’s been spending more and more time in the woods lately, separating himself from the group, and it’s starting to remind Rick of the Daryl he’d met at the quarry.

“Don’t be too long,” Rick says as he slings the gun over his shoulder, but he knows it doesn't matter what he says. Daryl’ll stay out as long as he wants.

“I’ll go with you,” Carol pipes up, and Rick can’t help but feel a little better. If anyone besides Rick can get Daryl to acknowledge his problems it’d be Carol.

“I got it,” Daryl says, trying to shake off Carol’s presence, but it’s no use. Carol isn't one to follow orders, especially not from Daryl.

“You gonna stop me?” she replies, but Daryl doesn't answer.

Rick watches the two of them go off together. He figures he should be jealous, after all his there’s-no-word-to-describe-what-Daryl-is-to-him is heading off into the woods with someone that’s not him, but all he can be is relieved. He just wants somebody to get through to him, he doesn't care who it is.

* * *

Rick’s not sure how long it’s been since Daryl took off into the woods, but soon enough they come to a bridge. They’ve been trailed by a walker herd for a while now and really, this is the perfect opportunity to get rid of them. Carl takes Judith and heads towards the other side of the bridge to keep her safe, while the rest of them line up on either side of the road.

It’s not long before the first one gets close to Rick and he steps out of the way, sending it sliding down the hill. He and the rest of the group get into a rhythm and everything’s going good until Sasha gets too excited, that's the nicest word he can come up with to explain how she's acting, and decides to use her knife. That fucks everything up and everyone pulls out their knives, hacking away at the medium sized walker herd. Rick’s got to admit he’s a little ticked off, they didn’t have the energy to waste on this kind of shit. He gets why Sash’s so angry, but her impulsivity is going to get them all killed.

Rick gets blindsided by a walker that grabs at his arm. Rick’s tries to get away, but he realizes right away that he's angled all wrong and he won't be able to shake it. The walker is only a few seconds away from chomping into his flesh when Daryl shows up out of the blue. He grabs hold of the walker and pulls, sending it flying away from him.

Soon enough all the walkers are dead, decomposing bodies lying in a heap in the middle of the road, and the group tries to catch their breath. They didn't have the energy for this shit. Daryl comes up to him once he's sure that they're all dead and runs his hands over Rick’s bare arm. Rick can practically hear Daryl's heart pounding in his ears, can see his eyes flick frantically over his exposed skin. He needs to see for himself that everything's okay. “It’s alright,” Rick says, running a hand down the side of Daryl's face. “I’m fine.”

Daryl nods as his breathing settles and he calms down. He briefly rests his hand on the back of Rick’s neck, stroking his fingers over Rick's sweaty skin, before he takes off towards the rest of the group. Rick can’t help but notice it’s the first time Daryl’s touched him like that in days.

* * *

Rick pretends not to notice Daryl refuse water from Glenn. He doesn't know the last time he’s actually taken a drink from anybody and it only makes him worry more. He wants to speak up, make him take at least a swallow, but he knows it’s only going to make things so much worse. Daryl hates when Rick worries about him. He shifts Judith in his arms slightly. He wishes he had a more comfortable way to carry her, it can't be too comfortable for her to be carried like this, but they haven't come across anything he could use as an alternative. 

Glenn says something to Daryl, something Rick can’t hear, but Daryl doesn't reply. A few moments later he looks back and notices he’s gone. He looks over at Abraham, silently asking where he was, and the red head mouths the word water. Rick sighs and turns back around.

* * *

They’re standing on the road, next to a large pile of bottled water, when Daryl gets back. Rick walks over and hands him the sign they’d found. FROM A FRIEND. He knows they can’t trust, but it’s hard not to take the chance when they’re all so damned thirsty. Eugene surges forward, ready to take the chance of the water being poisoned, but Abraham slaps it out of his hands. Always the protector.

“We can’t,” Rick says, looking over at him. He hates saying it, wants nothing more for his people to be able to grab the bottles and drink until their bellies are bulging, but they really can’t take the chance of it being a trap.

Not even ten seconds later thunder crackles above them and rain starts pouring down. He gives a sigh of relief and looks up, welcoming the cold rain. Daryl turns to him with a smile on his face and Rick can’t help but grin. It’s been a long time since he’s seen him smile a genuine smile. He grabs for Daryl’s hand, brings it his lips and presses a gentle kiss against his fingers.

Rick definitely doesn't miss it, but he pretends not to see the burn mark on Daryl’s hand. He knows about Daryl’s past, kissed the faded scars on his thighs left over from his teenaged years. Daryl had resulted to hurting himself when he couldn't handle the emotional and physical pain his Dad dished out, and now it seems like he’s reverted to old habits.

Daryl’s lips twitch into a smile and he briefly lays his face against Rick’s shoulder, pressing a kiss against his wet clothing. It isn't much, but it’s something and Rick’ll take whatever Daryl’s willing to give him right now.

* * *

That night, Daryl and him are settled next to each other in the barn. They’re in the corner alone, the rest of the group spread throughout the open space. Carl’s got Judith, attempting to keep her preoccupied long enough for her to fall asleep. He’s not sure how much of this she really understands, probably not much if he’s being honest, and he’s thankful for that.

“Carol and I talked, she seems to think I need to let myself feel,” Daryl says unexpectedly. They’re relatively secluded from the rest of the group, but Daryl’s voice is still so soft Rick’s not really sure if he heard him right.

“Yeah,” he says softly, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him. “I reckon you do. I don’t care how you deal, but you have to deal with it. It’s eating at you from the inside because you refuse to acknowledge the pain. I don’t care if you talk to me, or Carol, or if you go off by yourself and handle it any way you think you need to, just do it. It’s killing me seeing you like this, knowing that I can’t do anything to prevent it. I love you, and I can’t lose you.”

Daryl’s lip trembles, Rick can tell he’s trying not to shed a tear, for a few seconds before he licks his lips and steels his features. Daryl nods, resting his head on Rick’s shoulder. He stays like that for a few seconds, allowing himself the comfort that the small amount of contact gives him, before he pulls away. “I know,” he says, resting his hand on Rick’s thigh. “I know. I’m trying.”

“That’s all you can do,” Rick says, resting his hand over Daryl’s. Daryl closes his hand around Rick’s, threading their fingers together. The two of them or silent for a long time, just basking in the comfort that being alone together brings them. Rick doesn't really care what they do, as long as he gets time like this with the man he loves.

* * *

Rick wakes up the next day feeling more rested then he has in weeks. Judith’s awake in his arms and Daryl’s sitting next to him, staring off into space. He sits up, stretches as best as he could, and settles Judith in his lap. He knows she’s got to be hungry, but they have absolutely nothing to feed her. He'd have to find something soon, he can't stand the sound of his daughter crying out in hunger.

“You get any sleep?” he asks, looking over at Daryl.

Daryl shakes his head and Rick sighs, not at all surprised. “Can we talk?” Daryl asks, not looking at Rick. “I think I need to talk.”

Rick looks around, everyone else is fast asleep and Judith is starting to get restless. The last thing he wants is for her to wake anyone up. “Sure,” he says softly, standing up. He settles Judith on his hips and reaches down to help Daryl up. “Let’s go outside.”

The two of them walk outside, heading a little ways away from the barn they’d holed up in to wait out the storm. It’s not long before they sit down. Rick lays down his jacket in front of the two of them and sits Judith on top of it. He gives her an empty water bottle to play with, it’s not much but at least it’s something.

Rick doesn't say anything, he knows Daryl will start talking when he’s good and ready. A couple of minutes goes by of complete silence before Daryl says anything, just like Rick knew he would.

“She saved my life,” Daryl says. He picks up a stick and starts to draw random symbols in the dirt by his feet.

“Heh,” he says laughing, smile on his face. “It’s funny, right? To think someone like Beth could save someone like me. It’s true though, she saved my life. I was an asshole, I didn’t deserve her kindness. She saved me Rick, without her I wouldn't be here right now.”

Rick doesn't speak, doesn't do much of anything. Daryl hasn't talked at all about what he and Beth went through and the last thing he wants is to do something that’ll discourage him from opening up.

“I was a mess after the prison, a damned mess. I lost my home, my family, you.” His voice breaks off and he bites his lip, trying to get himself under control. It takes a few seconds for Daryl to regain his composure.

“I was spiraling out of control, and she was there. She helped me, helped me in ways I can’t even begin to explain. She was good, innocent, pure,” he says, and Rick can tell he’s fighting back tears. After all, Daryl Dixon didn't cry. “She reminded me of everything good in the world. With the shit we've been through it’s hard to think of anyone as innocent, and she was that reminder. Someone like that shouldn't have died, not like she did. She deserved more than that, Rick, so much more.”

Rick sighs and rubs at his eyes. He misses Beth, misses her a whole hell of a lot. She took care of Judith, did a lot for his daughter when he wasn't able to, and to think Judith’s never going to remember her kills him.

“She was tough, a lot tougher than people gave her credit for. I don’t even think she knew how tough she was. She lost everything, but she didn’t let it get her down,” Daryl says, brushing angrily at his eyes. Daryl takes out a knife, Rick recognizes it instantly as Beth’s knife, and starts whittling an oddly shaped piece of wood he'd found laying next to him.

The two of them descend into silence, neither one knowing what to say. It’s not uncomfortable, quite the opposite actually. Judith starts babbling, slobbering as she claps her hands. Rick can’t help but laugh at her. He’s seen a lot of shit, done a lot of shit that nobody could even imagine, and seeing her so happy and carefree reminds him of exactly why he does what he does.

Judith crawls towards Daryl, gripping at his shirt so she can pull herself up into his lap. Daryl smiles and stands her up in-between his legs. She giggles and slaps at his face. Daryl grabs at one of her meaty fists and pretends to chew on it, making exaggerating chomping noises that make Judith laugh. These are the moments he lives for.

Of course, just like everything these days, they’re small sliver of happiness is ruined in a matter of seconds. “Hey, hi,” a man says as he stops in front of them, seemingly coming out of nowhere, and Rick and Daryl spring into action.

Daryl stands up quickly, causing Judith to topple over onto her butt. The two of them move so they’re standing in front of her, Rick’s got his gun drawn and Daryl’s got his crossbow aimed straight at his head.

The man's hands are drawn in a sign of peace but that means absolutely nothing to either of them, especially considering the fact that Judith is sitting behind them. There's nothing they wouldn't do to keep her safe. He’s dressed nicely, clothes clean and face shaven, which Rick takes as a sign that he can’t be trusted.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt, good morning,” the man says and Rick’s tempted to just shoot him right away, prevent him from causing problems in the future. “My name is Aaron. Nice to see you Rick.”

Rick’s heart stops when he says his name. He knows he’s never met this man before, never come across him, and that’s what scares him. Strangers shouldn't know his name. “I’m not gonna hurt Daryl or Judith, I know that’s what you care about most right now.”

“What do you want?” Rick asks, the finger poised over the trigger already starting to twitch. "Give me one good reason I shouldn't just end you now."

“I have good news.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought.


End file.
